Post #24
Giving care to a family member comes with unique challenges. Not only are expectations usually higher (expectations of caregiver, care receiver, and perhaps other family members), but also there are past emotional, psychological and social behaviors that play into the present. The person being cared for might not have been particularly kind in the past or the caregiver might be quick tempered by nature. There may be feelings of guilt or blame. All types of past family dynamics and personal baggage may come out more readily when family members are engaged in dealing with the care of a loved one.
A couple of nights ago my husband and I watched the1989 movie, Dad, starring Jack Lemmon, Ted Danson, and Olympia Dukakis. The movie portrays the difficulties of family caregiving with humor and poignancy. I especially appreciated the family’s struggle to accept their Dad/husband/grandfather (Jack Lemmon) for who he was as he aged. As he grew older, his wife (Olympia Dukakis) has taken over more and more of his responsibilities—including buttering his bread—and his response is to let his mind live in a utopian dream world while his body grows accustomed to nonaction. To the family it seems as if “senility” has taken over. When his son (Ted Danson) comes to stay, he encourages his dad to take care of himself, and Dad rises to the occasion.
I enjoyed watching the many different ways that the son encourages Dad to complete the tasks that Mom usually performs. Not only does Dad begin to perform at a higher level of awareness, but his son begins to become more “human” (self aware and caring) after he makes the decision to put his executive life on hold to care for his dad. These new attitudes also begin to spill over into the son's relationship with his own son. As son and grandson work together to make sure Dad/Granddad is cared for, their own conflicts come out into the open where they can be confronted and eventually resolved.
It is not only the male side of the family that experiences change. At the beginning of the movie, Mom rules the nest and orders Dad’s steps, but she, too, finds that age has weakened her so that she can’t accomplish everything she expects from herself. As she learns to let go of being "all powerful," she also struggles with allowing her husband to introduce more fun into their lives for the sake of their health. Only when she allows herself the freedom to be unconventional as an expression of love to her husband can they enjoy their final days together.
Of course a movie like this is designed to show us the best and worst of ourselves, and then to end with new hope because people have surmounted at least some of their inner and outer conflicts. However, in real life this is not always the case. We may, as family caregivers, recognize that we are having difficulties accepting a person’s strengths or weaknesses, but we don’t always take the steps needed to overcome our inner anxieties nor outwardly work toward helping the care receiver use their strengths and find ways to overcome or cope with personal flaws or disabilities.
In this particular movie there wasn’t much conflict between the siblings, but in real life the disagreement about how to take care of Mom or Dad can be brutal to all concerned, just as disagreements between parents regarding how to take care of a child can destroy their relationship. For everyone’s sake, professional counsel should be sought if the disagreements can’t be resolved through family discussion. Even when not everyone agrees to seek help outside the family, at least those who are willing can receive benefit by talking with the appropriate professional—i.e. doctor, therapist, etc.
When my mom came to live with us, I was fortunate enough to find a doctor for her that would listen to all of my concerns and address them. The night before our appointment I would write a long letter explaining Mom’s health and dementia related issues and asking questions;* then I would give the letter to the nurse when we arrived at the office. The doctor would read the letter before she saw us, and then go over each topic one by one with us. She would prescribe meds If needed, give instructions, and occasionally she would send us to a specialist.
In our case, the need for a family counselor didn't seem necessary, but attending workshops and support groups for family caregivers was essential. Sometimes, however, it seemed that I just wasn’t in sync with the attitude of others in the group. Usually this was because our caregiving philosophy wasn't the same. One thing I have noticed in workshops, support groups, (and also in the portrayal of medical personnel in the movie) is that there are two basic camps or attitudes regarding caregiving (with many nuances, of course). Basically there are those who emphasize the medical perspective and those who emphasize the personal perspective. It has been helpful for me to consider where I stand on this continuum, allowing for the fact that my view often slides one way or the other according to situational changes or my own development.
In the beginning of caring for Mom, I felt that being higher on the personal side of care meant that I had to be responsible for caring for all of her needs myself. (This is also evident in the son’s actions towards his father in Dad.) Through experience I learned that one person can’t fulfill all of another’s needs. This is where I began to take the team approach—as I’ve written about in other posts. Eventually I realized that the most important goal was to make sure Mom received all she needed physically and what she wanted emotionally from life. I couldn’t do it all, but I could search for other people who had this same goal in mind when giving care.
I enjoyed watching Dad because it reminded me of the struggle we all encounter as family members caring for each other. We often long for the situation to be different because attitudes, emotions, and physical labor can be more than we believe we can handle at times . . . and it is painful to watch someone we love suffer from physical, mental, or emotional difficulties. Yet we persist because we care in spite of our own personal and family weaknesses. We are not perfect, but through caregiving we rise to the challenge to live the best attributes of being human.
*Note: The reason for the letter to Mom's doctor was that it upset Mom for me to explain what she had been going through. She could only relate to what she was experiencing in the present, so if her arthritis wasn’t bothering her at that moment then she didn’t believe that she had ever had arthritis, and she would get very agitated if we talked about something she didn’t believe she had. I made it my goal to keep the doctor’s visits as peaceful as possible; therefore, I did much of my communication in writing. I used the same method when explaining items of importance to my brother and sister. For me writing is a better form of communication because I can organize my thoughts more coherently than when speaking. But I do believe family discussions are important as well. I usually write down a list of items I’d like to bring up in the discussion, and sometimes I follow up a discussion with a written response.
Comments