Put on Your Caregiver Eyes and Look for the Beauty Within

Post 37

Judging by outside appearance seems to be the norm in our society. We too often label people using current social standards of beauty rather than taking the time to really get to know someone by experiencing the inner qualities of their mind and heart . As I look back on my early teen years, I remember being the butt of the judgements of others as well as participating in mocking those I deemed ugly or undesirable. Now that I understand that “beauty” does not always show on the outside, I regret those past experiences. What if I’d had the ability to get to know the person beneath the exterior? What if I’d seen the beauty of my own heart instead of feeling self conscious about my appearance?

Many of the people we care for are not seen by others as “desirable” or “beautiful.” If they aren’t abused or neglected, they are often just ignored or quickly attended to. Even when they have had friends and admiration previously, after they have become disabled or grown older people leave them alone or at best become frustrated when they try to communicate with them —expecting the same response as they would have given at a younger age.

When my dad was struggling with Alzheimer’s, he lost his ability to speak before he lost his capacity for thought. He would stammer and try to express what was within, but we had to read between the lines to understand him. Most people found this chore of listening to his stutters too burdensome. They walked away, even when he was in the middle of a sentence. Others misunderstood—they thought that because he was incapable of speaking clearly, he was also not able to think coherently. They had no time for him or they half listened out of pity—as my favorite uncle expressed, “It’s a shame that a man so intelligent and personable is in this state.”

It was sad that Dad lost his ability to speak so quickly--he was in his late fifties; however, if I patiently listened and responded by restating what I thought he was saying, I learned so much from the beauty of his heart. One time he showed me a childlike cartoon he had drawn at adult daycare. By listening carefully and asking questions, I eventually learned that he had drawn it for Mom—“to make her laugh, because her work is so much harder than mine.”

Watching Dad’s actions as his dementia worsened, I could see that his caring spirit remained the same. Since he was used to being the bread winner, when he could no longer work at accounting he walked around the neighborhood and picked up cans of food that had been thrown out—which my mom wasn’t happy about— and he insisted on washing dishes and carrying in bags of groceries—which, of course, made her very happy after a day’s work. He wanted to be useful in easing Mom’s burden, so he helped out as long as he could.

I think it’s normal for us to long for the days when a person was well, or in the case of a child born with disabilities, we may long for a better future. However, it is more advantageous to the situation to accept what is happening with the care receiver currently and to find the beauty that resides within that person even through their illness or other troubles. And we can also help their beauty to be seen by others.

Perhaps the person you are caring for has just been through a tragic situation, such as a war, a hurricane, or abuse. They may lash out unexpectedly or refuse all of your well meaning care. I find this type of caregiving very difficult—it takes much more energy to care for someone consistently when they are fighting against you. Maybe you feel like this person isn’t nice at all. . . The beauty within may seem impossible to find. . . It’s time to remind yourself that they have been through a terrible ordeal and it has changed their behavior. Or maybe you don’t have any knowledge of the person having experienced a crisis in their lives, still you can assume that something hidden within—whether it’s a chemical imbalance or a past trauma— is influencing their current actions.

In a former post*, I wrote about an elderly woman who met my friend and me with hostility the first time we knocked on her door bringing groceries, but she eventually let us in. Over time she opened up, so that we could see the beauty of her spirit. What a joy to be with her after she let her guard down! The lesson I learned from that experience was not to give up caring for someone—even if they don’t want your care.

Some diseases, such as Alzheimer’s, change a person’s brain so that their behavior can become violent at times. It can be difficult to handle and I found I often needed to take a breather. When Mom lived with me, she often became violent when I tried to get her to change clothes. I learned that instead of reacting negatively, I should leave the room for five minutes. When I came back, she was so glad to see me, and she would tell me all about that mean lady that made her take her shirt off. (I guess there is some advantage to forgetfulness.) In her calm state I could see the beauty of her love for me.

When you are familiar with a person, you often know what activities or situations bring out the beautiful in them. For some it is being with a pet or stuffed animal. Others let go of their hostilities through a craft activity, exercise, or music. Mom could always be calmed by her favorite hymns, and sometimes after a time of singing along with a hymn karaoke video, she would reach a state where the Alzheimer’s seemed to disappear—only her beautiful spirit could be seen.

Of course, if the care receiver is a stranger, it will take time to be familiar with how to soothe their fears. It is important to consider how you would feel in that situation, especially if you didn’t understand what was happening. My aunt once called a friend and told her she’d been molested at the assisted living facility where she was living. The friend called the manager and asked about the situation. Evidently four aides had approached her in the bathroom to “help” her change. It was overwhelming to my aunt who had Alzheimer’s. They seemed like a group of attackers. And wouldn’t most of us object to four people approaching us in this manner?

Sometimes we try everything to calm someone and have run out of ideas. Don’t give up.

Ask for advice from someone who’s worked with the person before, or find out ways that have worked for others in similar situations. Maybe you can learn the problem and a possible solution from observing the reactions themselves, when and where they occur. Perhaps a certain situation gives them fear. Maybe they are tired or hungry. Taking the time to discover what causes their reactions will be worth the effort, because no matter how ugly a person’s behavior appears, there is a beauty worth finding within. And, after all, isn’t belief in the worth of this human being the reason we continue to give care?

For some people it is most difficult to see a person's real self when a person’s outward appearance is abnormal, such as a person who has been burned badly or has some type of physical disfigurement, either from birth or trauma. When I was 19, a young man began to hang out with our friend-group whose face was terribly contorted. I don’t remember what happened to him that disfigured his face, but I do remember that we all discovered what a wonderful person he was—very sensitive and kind hearted. He went through a lot of rejection and discouragement until he met a sensitive friend who listened to him for hours on end. She supported him and cared for him in a way no one ever had. Later his life normalized: he found a great job and a wife who loved him for his inner beauty.

Thinking back to situations I have known when people were rejected because of their looks, behavior, or disabilities, I wish I had been able to encourage those who didn’t take the time to listen to or care for them. What I should have said to friends, family, and caregivers is this: It’s important to show respect for and listen to each person your life touches. It’s not difficult; it’s just a matter of looking beyond someone’s outer appearance and actions and seeing the beauty of the human that resides within.

*https://www.caregiversalmanac.org/post/part-time-caregivers-taking-care-of-others-in-our-communities