Post #30
Whether you give care to a small child, a person with dementia, or a group of refugees, listening is a skill that will be invaluable to your success in giving excellent care. People need to know that their caregiver is really listening to them. You can demonstrate that you hear them by being attentive and addressing the issues that are important to them. Although a care receiver is not always able to communicate verbally, we can “listen” to the signs that tell us what they need. Even small indications of tranquility versus restlessness can give us clues as to how to address a care receiver’s needs.
The last time that my husband was in the hospital, I noticed that patient care is beginning to include finding out a little of the person’s background and what is really important to them. On the wall across from his bed was a large marker board that included not only the name of the nurse and aide assigned to the patient each shift, but also a place for information about the care receiver --anything that they wished to share, such as occupation, pets, and favorite hobbies. At the beginning of each shift the nurse and aide visited and took the time to really listen to the patient’s complaints, requests . . . and (in the case of my husband) corny jokes.
In order to listen a caregiver must encourage the care receiver to talk, which may not be as easy as it sounds. Sometimes a person has been ignored so long that they’ve forgotten how to express their own needs and feelings. Other times a care receiver may be afraid to share what they are really going through (emotionally or physically) because they have been abused in the past or because they are suffering from the shock of being in a new place or dealing with a new health condition.
If a person has experienced racial discrimination in the past, or if it is systemic in the culture that you represent, then you will need to prove that you can treat them with the same caring attitude that you give to everyone. On the other hand, if you are part of the minority culture and the care receiver is part of the majority, they may have preconceived notions about your ability to take care of them. When a care receiver is extremely prejudiced, listening may be difficult. Even the tone of their voice may be harsh. Perhaps this is the supreme challenge for dedicated caregivers—how do we care for others when they obviously don’t like us or have misconceived notions about us?
I have listened to a friend of mine from Uganda tell stories about giving care to elderly people here in the United States. The majority of the people she takes care of have become wonderful friends who prefer her smiling attitude over other caregivers . . . but there have been a few that were difficult to handle . . . she does it by not disagreeing with them openly regarding their politics or cultural notions. She takes their comments in stride and laughs about them as long as they are not personally rude. She finds it easy to forgive the elderly, especially those with obvious dementia.
When caring for someone with Alzheimer’s there will usually be occasions that they become angry with you. (This can also be true of a children and other categories of care receivers.) Can you look past the emotion directed toward you and see what is causing it? My mother would get very angry with me when I wanted her to take a bath/shower and become very upset if I—or anyone else—tried to help her bathe. I believe this reaction came from the extreme modesty she was taught as a child. In fact, one of my aunts had a similar reaction in her care facility. This anger was not something I could overcome. I tried everything from special shower seats to sedatives to hiring an aide to come and bathe her. Eventually I realized that if I wanted her to be clean, she would need to move to a memory care facility.
This problem of anger can occur with teenagers as well. When we had a foster daughter, she did not like to help with the housework and would often call her adult sisters to complain. I tried to listen to her reasons for not helping and even brought in the social worker so that we could work it out. However, every time she didn’t want to do something she would call her sisters to come and get her, and they were allowed this privilege by the state. After a year of this, I decided that I needed to let her live with her sisters. The best thing that occurred from this situation was that her sisters, who originally had been very hateful towards me for making their sister work, called me up and thanked me for all that we had done for her.
The job of teaching often has elements of temporary caregiving when dealing with a child’s emotions. Once when I was substituting for a 7th grade class, I assigned the homework that the regular classroom teacher had left. Suddenly, one young man burst out in anger.
“I hate you!” he yelled in my face.
I was taken back at the violent tone in his voice, and yet I knew that it wasn’t anything I’d done that caused his hatred. He was feeling something strong and needed to express it to someone. I thought the best thing to do was to find someone whom he could talk with about his feelings. . . And this may be true for the person(s) you care for as well. While we need to listen to our care receiver’s needs, we can’t personally meet all of them. Nor do we need to listen to those things we aren’t qualified to handle—but hopefully we will find someone who can help.
If you are required to care for someone who is offensive to you, how do you handle it? Are you able to separate a person’s vocal expressions of their politics or prejudices from their need for care? Can you listen to their needs and attend to them even when you don’t like some of the things they say? Of course, we expect this impartiality from professionals such as doctors, nurses, counselors, etc. Yet it becomes more difficult, I think, when the person we care for is a family member. Can we look beyond our care receiver’s anger or meanness to see what they are really saying about their needs?
I’m certainly not suggesting that we should allow people to verbally abuse us. We each have our tolerance level because of past experience and emotional pain. There may be a time when you need to step away temporarily or permanently. If there is no way to leave a caregiving situation, for financial or other reasons, you will need someone to listen to you—someone who will listen with compassion towards you, while not becoming enraged at the care receiver because that type of reaction takes the focus off of your needs. A professional counselor will be able to help you find ways to cope with the situation, but if there’s no time or money to seek professional help, try talking to a friend or family member that you can trust.
We all need to be heard in order to have our needs met. It’s our responsibility as caregivers to listen to the person(s) we are caring for and to find someone who will listen to us—so that we don’t carry our difficulties alone.
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