If the Workload is too much . . . Enlarge Your Family Caregiving Team

Post #3

Bringing my mom home to live with us was a sudden event. She had gone with my stepfather to the VA hospital for his checkup when suddenly he fell to the ground in the parking lot. Fortunately my stepbrother was there and he was (amazingly) able to get help and keep mom safe at the same time. At this point we realized that in order to give good care to both we would have to split them up. Although I lived the farthest away, I had the most flexible schedule on Mom's side of the family, so I knew it was time for me to step up to the challenge.

Of course the entire affair was scary, but the timing probably couldn't have been better. I needed a couple of days to prepare for Mom living with us and my brother (whose home was not too far from the VA) had those two days off. Fortunately it was the week before the beginning of the semester, so I was able to change my teaching schedule to part time--Tuesdays and Thursdays (which also allowed me to teach the class of my dreams up until retirement). My second daughter was between jobs, so she agreed to spend the night on Mondays and Wednesdays and then stay with Mom until I got home on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I wish I could report that this schedule worked perfectly, that we kept it up consistently, and that everyone got enough rest to remain a happy family every day. Of course, you know better than that if you've ever cared for someone, especially someone with Alzheimer's. As Mom's disease progressed we had to make changes, such as incorporating others into the team and trying new schedules. My main goal in life became monitoring Mom's needs and trying out new ideas to meet those needs.

Our team changed not only because of Mom's growing needs, but also in relation to the availability of those on the team. My husband was always great back up support even while having a full time job, and my oldest daughter took Mom out or came over as the need arose. This gave Mom time with her great granddaughters and helped them learn at an early age that older people need extra care sometimes.

Even while the family worked together well, I found that I needed more time to get everyday things accomplished, so I decided to utilize the free services of churches who offered "Caregivers-Day-Out"programs. Mom really enjoyed the activities, and I found time to go to the YMCA for much needed exercise, as well as having time to grade papers. Eventually, my daughter who was helping us bi-weekly moved on to other work, and we found an adult daycare that Mom grew to enjoy.

I mentioned in a former blog that I needed to enlarge our team to include someone who could help Mom bathe. When that didn't work out, I found a home-like setting where I thought she could be better cared for. Perhaps this is the time when many people feel they pass off the care of their family member to someone else, but I know from my own experience and that of friends that you need to remain the main caregiver at heart (loving management style) even if you're not doing the majority of the hands on work. Eventually I realized that Mom was not receiving attentive care. Twice she became very ill and no one noticed until I called attention to her distress when I arrived. Ideally I would have visited every day to check on her, but I had started to work more and was having health problems of my own. I was just too tired to make that trek across Austin traffic daily. It was once again time to incorporate other team members.

to be continued . . .