Idealism vs. Balance: giving up my dream of perfect caregiving

Post #1

Of course there are as many different situations related to caring for someone as there are people who need care. Why do we often take the one-size-fits-all attitude?

One disabled and/or elderly person may need/want to stay in their own home, another may benefit more from living in a community. And, of course, there exists an extremely wide variety of communities, and the care they offer varies in accordance with the different people offering care, the environment, etc.

When caring for children, we also need to keep the needs of each individual in mind. I think this attitude has become more popular over the years, but it is usually easier to treat all of our children the same. . . all given the same rules, bedtime, diet, etc. If we make any differentiation it is often based on age differences rather than personality or health issues.

Of course, we could allow this individual approach to take so much time and effort that it seriously impedes our own quality of life or the peace of the family as a whole. When I quit homeschooling my kids to return to college, I was an idealistic mother wanting to send each child to the school that emphasized the interests of that child. (My eldest needed a strenuous academic challenge, my second needed a less stressful environment, and my youngest wanted to take band.) For one semester only, I drove 30 miles twice a day to deliver the kids to three different schools . . . I learned quickly that by putting an extra strain on myself I was making life difficult for the whole family. 

When caring for my mom I discovered a similar truth about my idealistic views of caregiving versus our real life limitations. After my stepfather became ill, I really wanted Mom to live with us, and she did for about 19 months. Eventually, though, she forgot  how to bathe, and she wouldn't let me near her to help nor would she follow my suggestions. I tried to hire someone to come in and bathe her, but she was so sure that she was being misused and became so obstinate that the caregiver visited only a couple of times and then never returned. I finally had to concede that Mom needed professionals around that could handle her fear and anger--and  that I needed some rest. (She came back to live with us again later, but that's another story.)