Post 41
I’m sure it’s not just in the U.S. . . much of the world has been in an uproar this year. We’ve had to deal with a nerve-wracking pandemic, as well as political unrest. Some of our ugliest human behaviors, such as racism, have come to the forefront of discussion. Tempers have been short and online discussions filled with anger and spite. In the midst of all this, it’s hard to keep from absorbing the hatefulness of others without building a wall around your emotions, and neither a hateful attitude nor walled-in emotions are compatible with the work of caregiving.
As caregivers we not only deal with our own attitudes and emotions, but are directly involved with the attitudes and emotions of others who depend on us for some aspect of care. And we often have to work with other caregivers who have their own inner feelings to deal with. Naturally, this can be difficult in a normal year, but in a year like 2020 . . . well you know how it’s been, if not too bad for yourself, you’ve probably seen its effects on others.
Since this exact scenario has not played out before in our lifetime, it is difficult to know how to cope with the current caregiving problems. But we’ve all gone through other situations—times when our own circumstances caused us to feel hatred, anger, or emotionally shut down. Somehow we continued to give care anyway. How did we do it? Is there anything we can learn from those past experiences? Maybe we feel we didn’t handle things well at the time—at least we know now what not to do. With those mistakes behind us, we can consider other caregiving tactics that might lead to kinder results.
Perhaps you know the difficulty of rising above your own negative emotions that are boiling because of being trapped in an abusive situation. If you are a caregiver at the same time—as is too frequently true of young mothers— it is very difficult not to pass the negative emotions on to your child or other care receiver. Or you stuff all of your emotions and become stoic—you may not be abusive, but neither do you have the ability to react to the person you're caring for in a compassionate way. Professionals will tell you to remove yourself from the abuser and learn to express appropriate emotions towards others. (An over simplification of a long process.)
Many aspects of social interaction this year have been abusive. Social media has allowed people to say hateful things to or about total strangers. Some politicians have repeatedly maligned others, especially people of color, women, immigrants, and those in the LGBQT+ community. Some of us feel battered on all sides. We need a bullet-proof uniform, boots, and helmet to protect ourselves. Or better yet we need a sturdy wall to hide behind—at least when things wear us down or fill us with anxiety.
We don’t have to allow ourselves to be bombarded with abuse—yet some people continue to listen to the news throughout the day while letting everyone else know how much it bothers them. On the other hand some of my friends have noticed that constant social media insults, and the put downs of people in power have been robbing them of their own positivity and compassion. Many of them have decided to be proactive in taking back their lives. Each of their strategies is a little different, but they can be generalized in the following four steps:
1) Work through your own reactions—come face to face with your worst emotions and their manifestations. Consider how they affect others.
2) Identify what is causing your depression, bad attitude, unkindness, etc. For example, maybe you are being affected because particular friends have picked up the habit of hateful speech—whether directed toward you or not— or the cause might be that you are fed up with the negativity of politicians, the media, acquaintances on social media, or even organizations that you once felt pride in, but now they just give you a headache.
3) After you know the cause of your own negative feelings, make an individualized plan to remove the cause or to learn to handle it. Since we are all different, another person’s plan will rarely work for you. Make your plan practical in your situation and have a specific outcome in mind. For example, I plan to wait until evening before listening to the news or interacting on social media. And I plan to stop these activities immediately when I begin to sense that my mood is changing due to hateful attitudes being expressed.
4) Act out your plan consistently—of course no one executes a plan perfectly, but the effort will bring some reward. And if you find you need someone to help you work through your emotions in order to become a loving caregiver once again, then don’t hesitate to see a counselor or therapist.
This has been a hard year on all of us—caregivers and care receivers alike. So it shouldn’t be surprising if the person you care for also demonstrates more irritability and less kindness. In some cases you might be able to help him/her identify their own triggers and teach them how to make a plan that will positively affect their emotions. Yet even if this isn’t possible, at least you can empathize with their feelings and kindly adjust your expectations. And remember, even while we hope for a better world in 2021, it won’t happen over night. In fact it won’t happen at all unless each of us can find a way to be a kinder, more compassionate person in the coming year.
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