Post 40
This week a poignant new song by Willy Nelson popped up while I was listening to music on YouTube. (link below)* As I was listening to “Cottage for Sale” I began to think of what it’s like to lose a loved one and to feel that loneliness in every corner of the house you’d shared together for umpteen years. Whether the loss of a loved one is caused by death, divorce, or an illness that requires residential care, the emptiness one feels sucks away joy and often the desire to live. Even worse is that often a person feels she/he is to blame in some way for the separation. This is especially the case when a person makes the difficult decision to place their spouse or other family member in a nursing home or other care facility. In the1990's,
I watched my mother agonize through this decision as my father declined physically and mentally with Alzheimer’s.
Not too long ago I discovered a letter that my mom wrote to my dad as she tried to cope with the stark reality of living alone. She had married at 19 and now here she was at 62 beginning a new life without Dad at home. I find this a very emotional letter as she relives the highlights of their marriage and admits the grief she was experiencing at the moment. I’m sharing some excerpts below as a means of encouraging those who are going through this stressful adjustment presently. If you’re not going through it yourself, you might be able to share her letter to bring encouragement to a friend or acquaintance who’s in a similar situation.
January 30, 1997
To My Husband:
My Dearest Clarence,
I have just done the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I’ve admitted you into a nursing home. I would give almost anything if I hadn’t had to do that. I guess I was just getting too tired after working 7 or 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to give you the care you needed, the care you deserved. Oh, how I struggled with this decision, how I wanted to keep you home with me! But for the good of both of us I had to let you go.
As I reflect back on our 42 years of marriage, I think about the happy times and love we shared. Sure, there were sad times too, but the good times are what I recall the most. I think back to the night we met, I was home from Phillips for Easter vacation. I remember our first date, your visits to Phillips to see me, our first kiss, the funny letters you wrote. You graduated from T.U. that spring. We had such fun that summer! I remember the night you proposed, our beautiful wedding and our honeymoon—at the hotel you tried to be so discreet about the fact that we were just married; then we noticed that on the check you gave the desk clerk was printed in huge letters “CONGRATULATIONS” . . . and I think some rice fell out of your hair too.
You were so alive, so vital and so much fun! We were so happy and you always had such a wonderful sense of humor! You passed the C.P.A. exam the next spring, you passed it the first time, which was very unusual. I was so proud of you! . . .
For our twenty fifth anniversary you gave me so much, I was completely overwhelmed! (A bouquet of 25 beautiful roses, a lovely necklace and many silver items)! But just being with you, knowing that you loved me was all that really mattered. . . .
I remember the camping trips, fishing, bowling, miniature golf and even a little tennis. We had such fun!
I wish so very much that you could read and understand this letter! But although I knew you couldn’t, I felt compelled to write it anyway. I still love you with all my heart and wish so very much there was some way I could help you! I’m amazed that, even with your deteriorating mind, sometime during each of my visits with you, you tell me “I love you.” It hurts so much to see what this terrible disease is doing to you. I feel so helpless.
I just pray that God will watch over you and hold you close in His loving arms. I love you and I miss you so much!
Your wife, Marie
What I love most about my Mom's letter is that she concentrates on the joys they shared throughout their lives together. . . not only giving me more insight into my parents’ relationship, but more importantly reminding herself to hold onto pleasant memories in the midst of a depressing situation. I hope that I will be able to use writing in the same way if I find myself in similar circumstances.
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