Post #8
Some people seem to always be involved in taking care of others. They throw themselves into a particular caregiving situation with the energy of a Labrador puppy, either immersing their lives in one particular long-term caregiving situation or spreading themselves thin over several "emergency" situations. Clearly no one can spend every minute of their life taking care of others--if they do, they eventually go up in flames or slowly lose their spark.
When my mom first came to live with us, my daughter and I attended a workshop for caregivers. As a first introduction to our upcoming commitment, we were shown a documentary in which a woman was so dedicated to her husband (who had Alzheimer's) that she wouldn't let anyone else care for him. She discontinued her social life and made it her sole responsibility to meet his needs. Slowly she became withdrawn, antisocial, ill, and finally died before her husband.
That movie impressed upon me the need for a caregiving team, because I realized that if I let myself burn out quickly I would cause more suffering for Mom and other family members. This is true especially in families, but even when you are caring for friends, neighbors, or strangers your complete unavailability will cause them more suffering than the small breaks you could take now.
I didn't realize the problem of caregiver burnout in my earlier caregiving experiences. Instead I would give as much of myself as I could for a short time and then need to back out of the situation because of my health. Fortunately, these were instances of short term care, such as housing someone who needed emotional or psychological support before being ready to live on their own. This was very different from caring for my Mom who would be dependent on me (and the caregiving team I formed) for the rest of her life.
I've mentioned in a former blog that I included "care-givers-day-out" programs as part of Mom's team, then an adult daycare center, and eventually a memory care facility, whose staff became major players on our team. Before that, however, there were many people along the way. A dear friend came over to our house to shampoo and cut Mom's hair (which became more difficult as time and her condition progressed). I hired someone to sit with Mom when we went to church, and had live-in help for her night wandering. Her general practitioner was a very important part of the team, as were a few specialists along the way. Of course, in-town family members were my greatest support. I couldn't have done my best without them.
I'm going to repeat myself: not only family caregivers need a team approach; it is just as necessary to have the support of others and work as a team in every caregiving situation. Of course some people who want to help may end up just being troublesome. In these situations you need to set boundaries. Of course, saying "no" to someone who offers help is not easy, but if you see that the person(s) you are caring for are being hurt in some way, you will need to do so. (And that is true, too, if the harm is to yourself or others on the team.)
When I was caring for Central Americans who were fleeing violence (1986-90), there were many people that supported us by bringing food, giving rides, offering shelter, etc. However, one day a complete stranger drove up, introduced himself as Mr. C, and then proceeded to "help" in ways that I hadn't foreseen. For example, one day I woke up to find 7 women and children sleeping in my living room. I wasn't really angry that they were there, just that Mr. C hadn't asked my permission. Besides, I had planned to spend the day working on a new property we had purchased that would house more people. I tried not to let my anger out on the new arrivals, but I was very brusque as I woke them up and commanded that they come with me to the new property. (I didn't feel I could abandon newly arrived strangers alone in the house.) In a very short time I came to love this group of wayfarers as we spent a very meaningful Christmas together the following week. However, my feelings weren't that positive toward Mr. C's shenanigans, and soon we had to part company.
For me, forming a caregiving team has usually worked best when I analyze the care receiver's needs and then look for a team member that would be able to meet those needs. Yet sometimes a person offers to help unexpectedly, and they end up being exactly what is needed. We found this to be true when I was trying Mom out in an unlocked assisted care residence. She ended up wandering out frequently, so that I had to stay with her every day until 9 pm when they locked the doors. A friend from work volunteered to come and sit with her while I took a dinner break, and she's the same friend who moved in with us several months later when we brought Mom home. Just one example how a good caregiving team can be built in unexpected ways.
In the summer after my first year of college, I worked at a nursing home where the residents were either elderly or developmentally challenged. My job was to make a care plan for each resident's psychological, emotional, and social needs (I worked under the supervision of a psychologist.) Through this experience I learned to analyze a person's needs and plan a way that they could be met by members of the caregiving staff. I admit that many times life has been too busy for me to apply this idea consistently in my own caregiving. Sometimes I have tried to do everything myself. Yet looking back now I see that I and the one I was caring for usually benefited when others were involved, allowing me time to be refreshed through rest, recreation, and social interaction. Balancing our own needs and those of the care receiver(s) will always be a caregiver's challenge.
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